Matters of Devastation and Unrecognised Size

I'd like to start by apologising for the fact I haven't posted anything on here in months now. Hopefully, my humblest apology will make up for this. Otherwise, I would be happy to arrange a fight to settle this - it will be a tables, ladders and chairs match with a 5 minute time limit. I look forward to your offers.

So we've established that I'm more or less shit at this, which does at least mean that the expectations of anyone reading this are lowered, which is win-win for me really. What I can offer though, is the ever-useful ability to talk pure, unrefined bollocks. This is a lot like unrefined cane sugar, only less refined. 

Speaking of home baking, no-one seems to have any information whatsoever regarding the WORLD'S LARGEST SIEVE (caps were used to suggest the presumed largeness of said sieve). If there does exist somewhere an outrageously massive version of the popular kitchen item, surely some must have seen it, since you would think it must be quite large? However, if no such sieve exists, then this must mean that out there somewhere will be a seemingly ordinary sieve that is actually fractionally larger than any other sieve ever to exist, and thus deserves this prestigious title. Check your kitchen now,  because you (yes, you) could be inadvertently keeping the secret of THE WORLD'S LARGEST SIEVE. 

The penultimate item of today's post will be a lesson we can all learn from, a reading from my very favourite (fictional) book:

"And so, after a long silence, the Jellyfish said to the Clock

'What's the time?'

The Clock said simply

"You tell me"

Sadly, the Jellyfish had no eyes"

It tears me straight to the core.

Lastly, for those of you thinking of holidaying abroad this year, I can wholeheartedly assure you that Tajikistan suffered from a devastating civil war which lasted from 1992 to 1997. A civil war is actually a lot like a child falling over, which is devastating for any child.

SPL Star and Stripper at War Over Baby

‘Women would fancy me more if I had no face’ – there really are some amazing headlines out there if you keep an eye out for them. And incidentally, keeping your eye out is a good first step towards having no face – all you need to do now is carefully remove the rest. Brace yourself for some female attention.

'71 year-old avoids jail over horse sex' – the crafty old twat.

Speaking of twats: http://www.flickr.com/photos/26267177@N07/2475887551/ could this be a political conspiracy like never seen before? You heard it here first.

Also, in the not-too-distant future I reckon it will be possible to download a Twix. It would just materialise somehow in a little tray next to your computer. This would then mean that you could illegally download a Twix, and if anything the associated guilt would only add to the already blissful partnership of biscuit and caramel. Just a thought.

Lastly, carrying on from last week’s cereal theme, it seems that the writing on the back of cereal packets can be an unlikely source of inspiration for some compelling poetic verse…

Weetabix Minis

Minis with chocolate:
A delicious combination;
Tasty whole wheat biscuits,
And wholegrain nutrition
With dark chocolate chips
It’s a taste sensation
Sitting in a bowl
With milk for lubrication

Contains carbohydrates
Your morning preparation
And vitamins for energy
To help your concentration
High in fibre naturally
Relieving constipation
Raise the spoon to your mouth
No need for hesitation

Nestled deep within
Our rural English nation
Since 1932
With lasting dedication
Luscious breakfast cereal
And it’s passionate creation
For Weetabix workers
Is there preoccupation

Who would have thought it?

Gravy

This blog will be about whatever the piss I want, and with that in mind let's start with a recipe for caramelised red onion gravy.

Ingredients:
Some oil / butter
1 medium sized red onion
2 tbsp balsamic vinegar
500 ml boiling water
2 chicken / beef stock cubes

Method:
Fry onions slowly in oil for about 10 minutes or so. Turn up heat and brown onions. Add vinegar. Simmer for a few seconds. Add stock and stir well. Finish with a dash of Lea & Perrins or some herbs if you like.

Right, that’s got the recipe out the way early, so on to music. Check out Hatebeak (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hatebeak) – possibly the world’s only death metal band fronted by a parrot. Then again they did a split album with Caninus, who are fronted by two dogs, so it’s all been done before.

In terms of chocolate bars, does anyone else think that the Wispa is far better than the Aero? I know they’re similar but there’s something a bit more special about a Wispa. Plus it has purple packaging which is an obvious advantage.

Speaking of food, does anyone remember mixing different types of cereal together as a child? Sitting there in anticipation, with an empty bowl and an assortment of cereal boxes beside you: the tools of your trade. Then in a flicker of ingenuity, you combine two already good cereals to create something truly awesome. It doesn’t even have to stop there – with time and patience you could buy basically one box of every cereal under the sun and use just one individual bit from each. Would take fucking ages though…

Since there’s been no mention of religion thus far, I‘d like to finish with a completely arbitrary quote from the satanic bible:

“Satanism is not a white light religion; it is a religion of the flesh, the mundane, the carnal – all of which are ruled by Satan, the personification of the Left Hand Path”

Now go and make the gravy, it will enrich your life in ways you will only notice in retrospect.